Real Stories | Alex Matthews: Just Relax!

I barely had any time off sick at school (thanks to my now infamous immune system), and I was too much of a goody-goody to skip lessons.

‍ But somehow, I must have missed a key biology lesson: the one where Miss Hicks explained to us that relaxing was the best way to get pregnant. Never mind missed pills and broken condoms, being relaxed was likely to get you up the duff, pronto. I can only assume it was part of the national curriculum, because it seems to be common knowledge that the best way to get pregnant, particularly if you are struggling, is to ‘just relax’. ‍ Oh, wait. Is it not part of the curriculum? So how is it that some people are so sure that ‘just relaxing’ is the key to overcoming my fertility issues? ‍ If you’re reading this blog, I’m willing to bet quite a lot of money that you’ve heard this piece of ‘advice’ at least a few times. It comes in many guises. Sometimes, it’s just a straight-up, chirpy ‘don’t worry - just relax and it will happen’ after you’ve revealed that you are starting IVF. Or, the wise sage you are talking to shares the story of that famous couple, invariably a friend’s cousin’s sister-in-law’s friend, who had been trying to conceive for years, went on holiday, got drunk and bam! - they were pregnant! You nod and smile, but internally you roll your eyes and respond silently with a sarcastic ‘of course, why didn’t I think of spending £30k on a holiday instead of IVF?!’. ‍ Sometimes, ‘just relax’ isn’t immediately obvious, but it’s there, lurking beneath the surface. In the last couple of weeks two people have told me about friends who decided to adopt after long battles with infertility, and then got pregnant. I’ve even been told that if we decide to pursue surrogacy, I’ll probably get pregnant naturally because I won’t be so focused on getting pregnant. The moral is that, once I’m relaxed and not obsessing and stressing about getting pregnant, I’ll probably be able to get pregnant. ‍ And it’s not just the amateurs. The professionals are at it too. Just the other day, my IVF doctor and I were discussing next steps after yet another failed transfer. She advised that we take some time out to recuperate, and that, when I’m less stressed, we could try doing a transfer without all the adjuvant treatment I’ve had with recent transfers. She even suggested anti-anxiety medication. I really like and respect my doctor, and I know she has my best interests at heart, but wasn’t she essentially saying that it might work when I’m more relaxed? Wasn’t she just grasping at straws because literally nothing else has worked? ‍ What I struggle with most when people tell me to ‘just relax’ is the inference, however unintentional, that it’s my fault that I can’t get or stay pregnant, because the last three years have made me so anxious....