Miscarriage is sadly common, with around 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in loss (NHS, 2023). Yet despite how many people are affected, it is still rarely spoken about openly. This silence means many people don’t know what to say when someone they care about goes through a miscarriage. The wrong word, even if well-intentioned—can cause hurt and deepen feelings of grief, guilt, or isolation.
Here are some common phrases to avoid, why they can be harmful, and more supportive alternatives.
“At least you know you can get pregnant.”
Although meant to comfort, this minimises the grief someone feels. Being pregnant once does not guarantee a future pregnancy, and the loss itself is still very real. Try instead: “I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m here for you.”
“It wasn’t meant to be.”
This phrase can feel dismissive. Miscarriage is rarely “meant” to happen—it is usually caused by random chromosomal abnormalities in the embryo, which cannot be prevented (RCOG). Try instead: “This must be incredibly painful. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.”
“You can always try again.”
While people may go on to have successful pregnancies after miscarriage, this overlooks the immediate grief for the baby that has been lost. For those with fertility challenges or recurrent miscarriage, this comment can be devastating. Try instead: “Take all the time you need to grieve. I’m here if you want to talk.”
“At least it happened early.”
Loss at any stage of pregnancy is significant. Attachment and hope often begins from the moment of a positive test. Suggesting it’s “easier” early on invalidates those feelings. Try instead: “Your loss is real, and it matters. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
“Maybe you did something wrong.”
This is one of the most harmful myths. Miscarriage is almost never caused by something someone did or didn’t do. Lifestyle factors such as exercise, sex, or work rarely cause miscarriage (NHS). Blaming the individual only increases guilt and shame. Try instead: “This is not your fault. You did nothing to cause this.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
For someone grieving, this phrase can feel dismissive. They may not be ready—or able—to find meaning in their loss. Try instead: “I don’t have the right words, but I want you to know I care.”
What you can do instead
Sometimes the most helpful support isn’t in the words you say but in the way you show up:
- Listen without judgment. Allow them to share as much—or as little—as they wish.
- Offer practical help. A meal, childcare, or simply being present can make a difference.
- Acknowledge anniversaries. Remembering due dates or the day of the loss shows ongoing support.
- Stay present. Grief doesn’t follow a set timeline. Compassion weeks or months later matters too.
Miscarriage is deeply personal and emotionally complex. There is no perfect phrase to erase the grief but thoughtful, compassionate words and gestures can help someone feel less alone.
At The IVFN, we are here to provide support, education, and safe spaces to talk openly...
