[Fran]

Hi everyone! Join us on Monday the 1st December at 12pm where we will be hosting our December power hour and answering all of your questions on coping with fertility and trying to conceive at Christmas. I will be joined by senior fertility counsellor Linda Gillham, who will be on hand to answer your questions and provide support and advice for the festive period.
Its easy to join in on our power hours, all you need to do is log into this page a click this thread. Once we are live, you can post questions to us during the hour.
Hope to see you all on Monday!

Fran

[Fran]

Hi everyone,

Don’t forget that we will be kicking off our power hour here today at 12pm. Linda Gillham will be on hand to answer all of your questions about looking after you wellbeing and coping techniques when you are trying to conceive at Christmas.

See you all soon!

Fran

[Fran]

Hi everyone, we are now live for today’s power hour and Linda is here to answer your questions and offer support on ‘coping at Christmas’ when trying to conceive.

Linda is a senior BICA accredited fertility counsellor and has led and managed large counselling programmes in various different settings. So we really do have a great expert here for you today.

Please post your questions to Linda in this thread and we will try to answer as many as we can.

thanks,

Fran

[Fran]

We have our first question through for you Linda:

I don’t know how to handle Christmas parties and events. I don’t feel up to going but I don’t want to say why. Do you have any advice?

[Linda Gillham]

Hello! Christmas parties and events can feel really difficult to avoid. That said there is no reason you have to say why. Preparing some stock answers can be really helpful, things like ‘oh I would have love to come but it clashes with X,’. This can work well for work events. If the parties and events are family based, often a last minute ‘not feeling well’. If you’d rather not use something that doesn’t feel true, “I’m not up for social events right now — I hope you understand.” is a kind, boundaried way of letting someone know. There are more strategies for what we call a ‘soft exit’ if you feel up to attending for a little while, having someone with you who knows what you are going through can feel like a safe and supportive other who can help you leave when you have had enough. Explaining you can stop by for a little while if you can is sometimes a good middle ground safe response.

[Fran]

Thanks Linda!

We have another question that was previously submitted:

What can I do if I start feeling overwhelmed or upset at Christmas? I don’t want to ruin it for everyone else. Is there anything i can do to help me cope better?

[Tasha]

How do I respond to friends or family members when they ask questions I don’t necessarily want to answer, like “when are you having kids” without being rude or disclosing more information?

[Linda Gillham]

There are a few different responses to these types of questions, you can choose one that feels comfortable for you, or modify one of these suggestions.
“It’s Christmas, could we talk about this another time?”
“That’s something I’d like to keep private, if that’s okay.”
“We’re taking things one step at a time, but I prefer not to talk about it.”
“I appreciate you asking, but it’s not a topic I want to discuss right now.”

The key here is to respond politely and then direct the conversation back to the other person with a question like “how was your holiday / job / life”

[Tasha]

Thank you Linda, that’s really helpful.

[Linda Gillham]

Thank you for your question. It’s important to have a safe space that you can access over Christmas if you are feeling overwhelmed or upset. Make your own little retreat (whether you are in your own home or someone else’s house) so you have somewhere to take some time out if things start to feel difficult. If you are in someone else’s house, this may be a bathroom, a spare bedroom or the garden. You can excuse yourself saying something like ‘I’m just going to stretch my legs or get some fresh air for a moment’ Then, you can use a grounding technique such as The 5–4–3–2–1 method.
Then name:
5 things you can see
4 things you can feel
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
Quietly to yourself, repeating as many times as you need until you feel calmer and your strong emotions have started to pass.

[Ben]

Hi,

I have a couple of questions me and my partner would love your support on:
1) Do you have advice on navigating grief for the year that didn’t bring the pregnancy I hoped for?
2) How can I cope with the feeling of resentment that sometimes appears when I’m surrounded by pregnancy news or babies?
3) Do you have tips for managing the anxiety that comes with waiting for results?
4) What messages of self-kindness would you encourage those of us TTC to remember during Christmas?

Thanks in advance Linda.

[Linda Gillham]

Self care strategies can be really small and still make a difference. For example, there’s often a lot of washing up over this period, and you can ‘mindfully wash up’ where you really immerse yourself in the experience. You can repeat affirmations to yourself whilst doing other tasks, such as brushing your teeth, this is a really good way of making sure you do your affirmations at least a couple of times a day. Taking 5 minutes out to engage in a hand on heart can be done if you nip to the loo.

[Tasha]

Also what are realistic self-care practices you’d recommend for the festive period when everything feels so busy and emotionally charged?

[Linda Gillham]

Hello, and thank you for your questions.
1. The end of the year can be such a difficult time for people on fertility journeys because it may mark the end of another year without success, especially when everyone around you seems to be celebrating. Grief is something that changes us inherently and not something we can just ‘get over’. Talking is one of the best ways to process grief, be that with a trusted friend or a fertility counsellor, processing the past and also focusing on the future can be a way of accepting what has happened throughout the year.
2. Feelings of resentment are absolutely natural, and yet many people’s internal critical voice tells them they are a horrible person for not feeling happy when a pregnancy is announced, or feeling jealousy (often perceived as a ‘bad’ emotion). Ultimately you feel how you feel, and however that is, it’s OK. Again, talking this through with someone you trust can help you process these types of emotions.
3. Anxiety waiting for results can feel really tough. A combination of grounding techniques and self regulation techniques can help you to stay in the here and now and tolerate the anxiety. The hand on heart technique and the butterfly hug and two great techniques to help soothe you. Both have videos of how to do them on you tube.
4. Self-kindness is everything on a fertility journey, if you find yourself criticising yourself you can use techniques based in CBT, such as asking yourself is that a thought, a fact or an opinion? (It’s often ‘just’ a thought). If you find yourself doing too much, trying to please those around you, try out some of the grounding techniques mentioned above to get you into the here and now.

[Ben]

Thanks Linda, this is all really helpful.

[Linda Gillham]

You are very welcome!

[Fran]

We have another question for you Linda –

My clinic closes for two weeks over Christmas – i think they are closing as thats when they clean the lab. I can’t start my treatment until the new year now so i feel like its a bit of a set back for me. Any advice on how I can try to keep myself busy over Christmas so i am not constantly thinking about my treatment?

[Linda Gillham]

Hello, yes this is common practice. The best way to frame this for yourself is that it’s time to spend on your self care to get ready for your next treatment, as there is nothing you can do whilst the lab is closed, try and see it as an opportunity rather than a set back. Over the Christmas period, things like baking bread can be really cathartic, whilst kneading the bread you are also processing some of your emotions! Some people may also enjoy donating to charity or volunteering as a way to feel like you are both distracted and get the good feelings involved with giving something back.

[Fran]

We have around 10 minutes left with Linda now – so please post your questions if you have any.

[Tasha]

1) How can I acknowledge and honour my partner’s feelings too, when we’re both struggling in different ways?

2) How can I plan ahead for potentially emotional moments, like announcements or being around small children, so I don’t feel blindsided?

[Fran]

That’s all we have time for today! Thank you so much to Linda helping out with all of the questions today and thank you to everyone who has submitted questions.

Please keep a look out for our next power hour events.

Take care,

Fran

[Linda Gillham]

Hi Tasha, it’s great that you acknowledge that you and your partner have different feelings, you also have different strengths. Often in counselling sessions I hear that when one partner is feeling down, the other is able to support them and vice versa. When you are feeling ok, can you sit down and have a discussion about what works for you when you are feeling low so your partner knows what to do and doesn’t feel they are guessing all the time?

Planning ahead for emotional moments can feel exhausting as we try to think of a response for every single situation that could arise. Have a think about what works for you when you hear an announcement, do you want to take time out and walk away? do you want a hug? Processing announcements takes time, especially when they are a surprise. Being around small children for some feels ok, usually around Christmas time there is more interaction with children than the rest of the year, if you don’t feel up to spending too much time around them, have some standard answers you can use to remove yourself from the situation, things like ‘I can’t stay long’ if you are feeling upset.

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